


he was an impossible case

by mcubutera



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, Not Really Character Death, Recovery, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-05 06:52:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16805617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcubutera/pseuds/mcubutera
Summary: Bucky was staring at Steve, venom laced in his eyes, his metal arm stretched out as if he was trying to pull Steve into whatever world he is in. And Steve had to learn to live with that.





	he was an impossible case

Steve has been living with one thing for a while now. It haunted him and dug a hole in his insides that pulsed with pain every second of every day. 

He remembers it very clearly; what he felt, saw, heard, even smelled. He hates that he remembers it, but at the same time, whenever Tony recommends any of his gadgets to help him, Steve refuses. In the end, that is the last memory Steve had of Bucky. No matter how painful it is, he would never get rid of it.

The other events seemed a blur. Steve, as hard as he tries, can not recall how they got to that situation and what happened after. His therapist says it is something the brain does to deal with the trauma so that Steve could survive, but Steve would rather know why it happened and he hates his brain doing that to him. 

All Steve can see when he searched for that event is Bucky looking straight at him, smiling. Bucky was there, right in front of Steve, so close maybe Steve would be able to touch him, and Bucky was smiling. Not an ordinary smile though, it seemed to stretch downwards, painted with venom. His cold eyes were fixed on Steve’s. He was no longer the Bucky Steve knew, and his right metal arm was stretched out in Steve’s direction as if Bucky was trying to grab his arm and pull Steve into that other world where he is now. 

The next thing Steve could remember is Tony trying to get him to talk, tell him what happened. Tony looked equally scared, his eyes glazed as if he wasn’t looking at what was in front of him, but rather an image that made him lose touch with reality. To this day, Tony looks lost wherever he goes and Steve could only assume that Pepper knows why. 

Tony handed him a bottle of water and told him, “You had a fever, cap.”. Steve wanted to say something to Tony, ask him what’s wrong,  _ what happened.  _ He had to say something to Tony, but his numb and swollen tongue could not form words. 

Guaranteed, they never found Bucky’s body; his ashes. Without a body, there was never a funeral. 

The rest of the Avengers made sure not to bring up what happened for everyone involved, but deep down Steve knew he could have saved Bucky. Perhaps, if he walked towards him and held him close he wouldn’t have begun to fall, losing his shape, like a brick wall slowly crumbling. It no longer looked like Bucky, but something from another far off world that just happened to assume the shape of Bucky. Steve went over the time of the events in his memory, it always seemed that he could have saved him. Overcome with panic, Steve abandoned Bucky there and saved only himself. 

It took Steve a long time to recover from the emotional shock. He stayed away from human contact for weeks, hardly ate a thing, and spent each day in bed, staring at the ceiling. 

Bucky was always there, standing in the middle of the field, grinning at Steve with his hand stretched out to him, and when Steve tried to sleep, Bucky was in his dreams, except in his dreams, Bucky would sprint forward and grab Steve by the wrist and take Steve with him, that same angry grin on his face. 

Other times, Steve would dream that he’d be walking down a park, or a forest. Steve would walk past a large tree that stretched as far as steve could see. The scenery looked beautiful, peaceful, but then Bucky would appear and pin Steve against the wall by his throat, cold eyes glaring at him. Steve tried to scream but his voice was null.

Then he would wake up in darkness, screaming, breathless, drenched in sweat. 

The nightmares didn’t stop, Steve learned to cope with them. 

Steve never went near Wakanda. He was afraid that if he did, his dreams might happen in reality. He wouldn’t go near forests or parks. He avoided staying alone outside. Despite all these precautions, he couldn’t get the image of Bucky dying. His memory grasped at his mind and refused to let go. 

Then one day, he revisited Wakanda where Bucky had been taken. 

It was a cold winter day, Steve was in the lounge area, Natasha and Rhodey sat with him, “A package has been delivered for Steve Rogers.”, FRIDAY rang from the speakers. That made Steve’s breath hitch. Natasha must have noticed as she placed her hand on Steve’s right bicep, stroking it with her thumb slowly. Steve cleared his throat then said, his voice firm, “Send it here.” 

It was a box, torn and hanging by its last thread, but a box. Steve recognized the address where it came from, but he kept praying that it was a mistake, there was  _ no way  _ it would be coming from  _ there _ .

Bucharest, Romania. Where Bucky lives — used to live. 

“The building’s being demolished.” Steve heard Natasha say. Not that Steve was overcome by sentiment, that house was never Bucky’s to begin with.

Most of the stuff in there was junk, but there was one notebook that Bucky had placed on the top of his fridge. Steve put it away, opening it would do nothing but reawaken old terror. Steve quickly returned it to the box, standing up and muttering calmly, loud enough for Natasha and Rhodey to hear. “Throw it away.” 

After several days though, Steve entered his room to find the same old torn box on his doorstep. Steve forced himself to take a long, hard look at everything inside. 

Most of the stuff were pictures that he took in various places, but what interested Steve was that notebook. 

It was filled with notes,  _ letters,  _ for Steve. Signed by Bucky. The first one was from 1941, when Bucky left for his first mission in the army. 

Steve made a habit after that of reading one of Bucky’s letters everyday before he goes to sleep. Steve could read each one a thousand times and not get bored of the way Bucky phrases his sentences, how he made Steve feel embraced by the words he used. However, Steve knew he was missing  _ something _ . 

Maybe a week went by like this but then Steve realized he had been making a terrible mistake all these years. Surely, Bucky had not been looking at Steve with hatred of anger, he hadn’t been trying to take Steve away with him, and that terrible grin could have been a mistake of lighting, not a conscious act on Bucky’s part. He probably already lost consciousness, or would have been giving Steve a gentle smile of eternal parting. The intense look of resentment Steve saw on Bucky’s face may have been a reflection of the terror that overtook Steve. 

The more Steve studied Bucky’s letters, the more his idea became clear. For no matter how many times Steve read Bucky’s letters again and again, he could see nothing but a boy’s gentle, innocent soul. 

Perhaps a whole night went by like this, and at the crack of dawn, Steve knew he must go back. 

Wakanda looked… different. Not the way Steve remembers it. It seemed to have found a sense of peace, but Steve knows that is not the case with thousands of soldiers lost, and the king’s death. Steve met up with Shuri and requested permission to go to  _ that  _ spot. Shuri has no reason to decline. 

It looked  _ identical _ . Steve panicked a bit and stopping himself from entering the forest. However, that hesitation was quickly through when Steve speed walked to that exact spot, heart in his throat. 

Looking at the scene, it was impossible to imagine that a huge titan came and killed his best friend in the world. It began to seem as if the whole thing was an illusion that Steve had dreamed in vivid detail. 

Steve sat down on the floor and grazed his fingertips at the sand. He looked up to the sky and saw a couple clouds hung there, motionless. They seemed to be there for Steve though, and he wasn’t sure why he felt that way. He remembers looking up at the sky, looking for a reason as to  _ why would people take my Bucky away from me _ and not finding an answer. Three long years collapsed, mixing old and new time together in a swirling mass. 

Steve was frozen, but he was not afraid. Not at all, there was no longer anything for him to fear. Steve stopped having his terrible nightmares. He no longer wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. And even if it is too late, Steve is greatful that, in the end, he was able to find a kind of salvation, to effect some sort of recovery. Greatful as he could have come to the end of his life unsaved, still screaming in the dark, afraid. 

When he arrived back the Avengers headquarters, there was a file in his room, titled “ _ Avengers: Annihilation.”.  _ Steve knew what was about to happen. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> inspired by The Seventh Man by Haruki Murakami
> 
> mention of Not Easily Conquered (three part series) at Bucky’s letters


End file.
